More poetry from Dennis East :)
We’re Really Hotel People
We’re living in the Highlands, where we run a B&B,
And folk come here from round the world, the monster for to see.
We get on great with everyone from Eskimos to Mounties,
But the hardest one’s to get to know are from the dear ‘Home Counties’.
They seem to have a game plan, and they really make it tough,
They’re the ‘first time up here’ English who expect to find it rough.
They have a preconceived idea; they think that all Scots hate them,
So must quickly grab the upper hand, and then see what fate awaits them.
They book their rooms up months before, and check arrival times,
Then get here as the hour strikes and proceed along these lines.
As even though they’ve driven hours, and invariably it’s wet,
Here’s the first words that they utter when they’re stood on our front step:
And I’m so surprised we’re standing here; you see it wasn’t up to me.
I’m sure that your home comforts are both adequate and fine,
But we both know there are standards; you’ve got yours and we’ve got mine.”
“You see, we’re really ‘Hotel People’, and we never B&B.
Now, faced with this dilemma as they enter your abode,
Makes you really want to flick them off and send them down the road.
Where hotels are three times our price, and they won’t find that funny,
But instead draw consolation from the colour of their money.
Bear in mind they’re ‘Southern English’ – and it’s all part of their farce,
To knock folk when they meet them, so they’ll think they’re upper class.
It’s all about the image; what you’re driving, what you wear,
So what, if you’ve a Bentley – I’ve got Saatchi underwear.
And just in case that’s not enough, they throw in close relations;
How her sister went to ‘uni’ and now heads United Nations.
Plus, their children have enough degrees to buy you three times over,
And an auntie has a submarine she keeps tied up in Dover.
They must establish the imbalance at the very soonest time,
By reeling off plush purchases and restaurants where they dine.
And then to finally top things off, quote places they frequent,
Where pots and pots of money are so very easily spent.
Know that they cannot help themselves, as when all of this is done,
With their ‘levelling ritual’ exercised, a friendship has begun.
As, come race or creed or wealth or need, you’ll find that they are great,
It’s just their way to kick things off, and test if you’re a mate.
For, once you’ve found the common ground and broken all the ice,
You’ve got yourself a brand new friend, who’ll stay with you for life.
You see, those English just don’t travel well; they have to raise the flag
They must set you on your back foot, and if all else fails – brag!